Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Feelings Life Leaves You With

The other night before bed, I sat down to write in a little in a journal Eric gave me the night Ellie was born. I found myself almost dreading sitting down to do it. I got to thinking about why. I love to write. I love to re-read things. I want Ellie to be able to read it one day so she can know what she was like as a little one. So, I stopped to really think about why I dread taking time to stop and record the moment.

I realized it is fear. Fear of leaving something out. Fear of forgetting. Fear of not capturing time as it really is.

I have always like to journal, take lots of pictures, and try my best to document our little life, but now with Ellie here, it seems so much harder. These past few weeks she has literally changed in front of our eyes.

From barely walking to cruising around easily. Knowing what is funny and doing it over and over to get a reaction. Remembering everything. Following directions. One day she seemed to still be a baby, the next, a toddler, a tiny little girl with a huge personality and even bigger will.

It seems as though we often remember and take lots of pictures on special days- you know, birthdays, Christmas, first steps.... But, what are so special, what makes our family what it really is are the everyday moments. Things that don't get a special day on the calendar or any other special preparation.

Like realizing she has enough hair for an up-do (ha). Ellie really making Eric and I laugh. Sneaking up on her to spy when she is being too quiet. Catching her in a pile of pink sprinkles.

At night, when she is calm and a little cuddly, she reminds me of baby Ellie. And then I feel a little sad because my memory fails me of so many of the moments I know that I cherished when she was that baby. My memory is not great. Oh sure, I can remember song lyrics and grocery prices and other useless things like nobodies business, but so many other things fade so quickly.

But, I have come to terms with the notion that my memory won't be full of tons of specific memories. Some will stand the test of time, yet many will slip away. But, I will be able to look back at different stages in our life and get a feeling of that time. I know I will. That is how it is with so much of my life. I can't remember details, but I get an overall feeling.

And I am becoming OK with that.

When I sit down to write, to recall, to remember, I will write what I can and enjoy doing it. Not stressing about capturing it all on paper, in words.

It might seem like a petty thing, but I think most moms and maybe even dads can relate.

The love for children is something that is so amazing. I never could grasp it before she came. So, I will accept this blessing, realizing the seriousness of the responsibility, but also embracing the wonderful, fun, tiring, funny, trying, proud, laughable moments it brings.

Like trying to figure out ways to keep my busy bee entertained.

Watching her mimic everything we do.

Loving to see the joy that the simple things bring her.

Learning to see the best in others as well as treating people with no bias.

Remembering always my first love, Eric, never letting a day go by where he doesn't know how much I love him.

Discovering a whole new world, at the 2 foot level.

Watching her clean.

And clean some more.

These are the things that make life so sweet.

Good bye fear. When I stop to remember, to cherish, to live "in the moment", I will embrace it with happiness. Not worrying about years from now when we are in such a different stage that I don't think I'll be able to remember this one, but finding joy in remembering.

Some days I am more sentimental than others. Obviously this is one of those days... This blog is definitely a place to help me remember our story,  the  feelings of a time that life has given to me.


Kelsey Clark said...

EEEEMMMMMMMMMMM!!!! you have a way with words that is indescribable!!! sitting here at school-while i should be doing a million things-i read your blog. it made me cry! just know that i love you...i think about you constantly...your passion as a Christ follower, wife, and mother shines in ALL you do and i admire everything about it!!!!
i CAN'T WAIT for our trip to come visit!!! i love you and miss you loads!!!

The Patridge's said...

So sweet! You made me tear up a little bit. I love to hear your thoughts. Can we have a date soon?

Maggie Pyles said...

Emily...you brought tears to my eyes and helped me remember to "live in the moment". These days are full of so many new things! They are only ours for a moment, but in these days and years what a special blessing and privilege it is to raise God's little girls.

LBR said...

You are such a good mom :) love this post- can't wait to learn more about motherhood from you!

DavidandSteff said...

Em, I missed this post last week when I was in Florida, but just read it tonight. Such great thoughts. I'm right there with you when it comes to fear of leaving something out. I fear that I'll miss something...or forget something. That's why i try to hard to really take in each stage (not each day-too hard)in life because I know I can't remember it all, but I know I can remember how I felt. Thanks for helping me remember that its not important that I document everything. What a relief!