Tuesday, April 19, 2011

The Feelings Life Leaves You With

The other night before bed, I sat down to write in a little in a journal Eric gave me the night Ellie was born. I found myself almost dreading sitting down to do it. I got to thinking about why. I love to write. I love to re-read things. I want Ellie to be able to read it one day so she can know what she was like as a little one. So, I stopped to really think about why I dread taking time to stop and record the moment.

I realized it is fear. Fear of leaving something out. Fear of forgetting. Fear of not capturing time as it really is.

I have always like to journal, take lots of pictures, and try my best to document our little life, but now with Ellie here, it seems so much harder. These past few weeks she has literally changed in front of our eyes.

From barely walking to cruising around easily. Knowing what is funny and doing it over and over to get a reaction. Remembering everything. Following directions. One day she seemed to still be a baby, the next, a toddler, a tiny little girl with a huge personality and even bigger will.

It seems as though we often remember and take lots of pictures on special days- you know, birthdays, Christmas, first steps.... But, what are so special, what makes our family what it really is are the everyday moments. Things that don't get a special day on the calendar or any other special preparation.

Like realizing she has enough hair for an up-do (ha). Ellie really making Eric and I laugh. Sneaking up on her to spy when she is being too quiet. Catching her in a pile of pink sprinkles.

At night, when she is calm and a little cuddly, she reminds me of baby Ellie. And then I feel a little sad because my memory fails me of so many of the moments I know that I cherished when she was that baby. My memory is not great. Oh sure, I can remember song lyrics and grocery prices and other useless things like nobodies business, but so many other things fade so quickly.

But, I have come to terms with the notion that my memory won't be full of tons of specific memories. Some will stand the test of time, yet many will slip away. But, I will be able to look back at different stages in our life and get a feeling of that time. I know I will. That is how it is with so much of my life. I can't remember details, but I get an overall feeling.

And I am becoming OK with that.

When I sit down to write, to recall, to remember, I will write what I can and enjoy doing it. Not stressing about capturing it all on paper, in words.

It might seem like a petty thing, but I think most moms and maybe even dads can relate.

The love for children is something that is so amazing. I never could grasp it before she came. So, I will accept this blessing, realizing the seriousness of the responsibility, but also embracing the wonderful, fun, tiring, funny, trying, proud, laughable moments it brings.

Like trying to figure out ways to keep my busy bee entertained.

Watching her mimic everything we do.

Loving to see the joy that the simple things bring her.

Learning to see the best in others as well as treating people with no bias.

Remembering always my first love, Eric, never letting a day go by where he doesn't know how much I love him.

Discovering a whole new world, at the 2 foot level.

Watching her clean.

And clean some more.

These are the things that make life so sweet.

Good bye fear. When I stop to remember, to cherish, to live "in the moment", I will embrace it with happiness. Not worrying about years from now when we are in such a different stage that I don't think I'll be able to remember this one, but finding joy in remembering.

Some days I am more sentimental than others. Obviously this is one of those days... This blog is definitely a place to help me remember our story,  the  feelings of a time that life has given to me.

Monday, April 11, 2011

Our First Camping Trip

Last weekend, we decided to take a little time out of the norm to go enjoy the great outdoors! Living in Alabama, there is a really small window to enjoy spring because really hot days pop up all the time and way too soon.
I was a little curious, so to say, about how Ellie would sleep in a tent. But, let me tell you, she did great and it was a much needed relaxing night.

We got there late afternoon and after we set up camp, we took a little walk to the lake.

Ellie is now walking all over the place! She wore her squeaker shoes and they echoed throughout the campground. I don't think our fellow campers thought it was as cute the next morning when we went walking pretty early...

Kelly, aka, Fire Woman, stayed behind to "watch" our fire while we went for a walk. Throughout the trip, Kelly probably was working on that fire 90% of the time. She gets that from dad.  However, her book must have been riveting, because when we came back, the fire was out. Keeping that fire going is a non-stop thing.

Enjoying the peace and beauty of the woods.

Not for long...

We grilled hot dogs on sticks and ate tons of s'mores. Once it got dark, we laid Ellie down in her pack-n-play in the tent and she went to sleep pretty easily.

While Eric and Drew contemplated the problems of the world and a few conspiracy theories, Kelly and I tried to figure out something about taking pictures at night (w/ no flash.)

Being out away from the craziness and noise of the world is so refreshing. Looking at the created world and peacefulness of it, I can't help but think of how infinite God is. Even still, I feel close to Him.
"You placed the stars in the sky and you know them by name, You are amazing God."- Chris Thomlin

Rise and Shine!
We made it through the night! This is the tent where all 5 of us slept. Yes, 4 adults and a little one in a pack-n-play. It was probably a funny sight watching all 4 of us try to creep into this tent in the pitch dark before we went to sleep. Most of the crew slept so well, the others didn't. (Luckily, I was in the majority. I was also the 1st one in and secured the best location!) When Ellie woke up, she thought it was so funny to see us all sleeping in the same "room" as her.

You wouldn't think it from this picture, but Ellie and Drew actually slept. Kelly, not so much. Every time I woke in the night, Kelly was looking at me wanting someone to talk to.

Ellie found Kelly's book and just could not get enough of it.

After we got up and had another fire, (Kelly- "We mine as well use of the rest of the wood.") We packed up and headed to Cracker Barrel. I know, we cheated. Next time we'll have breakfast over the fire and figure out how to make campfire coffee. This was kind of like our trial run.
It was so refreshing to spend a night out under the stars breathing in so much crisp, fresh air. I'm looking forward to many many more Ness/Troyer family camp outs.

Friday, April 1, 2011

Upon Waking

Coming in when you wake up,
I see those bright blue, squinty eyes,
they're always shining,
always smiling,
always ready to explore.

The lamp comes on,
your eyes light up,
that tiny finger goes to work.
Guiding me to the little things
that adorn your cozy nook.
From books to bows,
to crystals and pictures,
there's so much we must see.

Yet, then, you stand up tall,
bounce a bit,
and then your gaze, it shifts to me.
You know that I will reach in there,
and in my arms you'll be.

Your rosy face,
still warm from sleep,
feels perfectly soft against my cheek.

That little mouth,
that truly is,
the perfect shade of pink,
is open wide,
pressed to my face,
to grant me with a kiss.

A sweet reward,
in loving you,
my darling, little miss.